Sunday, January 22, 2012

the invisible line

It's been over a month since my last blog, and I have been avoiding writing even though there has been an entry swirling in my head for the past week.  It's been a challenging month, and I have been, and continue to be, through some real ups and downs.  At the moment I am in the constant flux of anxiousness and optimism.  If you don't know me well,  I can be an extremely anxious person.  Over the years I have conquered a great deal of my nerves and over analyzing mind.  But in the last month, my mind has decided it wants control, and my body is now in process of battling the ever powerful mind.  In the last month, I have started to see a counselor.  In our discussions, we came to the conclusion that the mind can be really cruel to the body.  It can tell us lies and can confuse our intuition.  I have also decided that I am a catastrophizer.  I am someone who allows my mind and imagination to only think of the worst situation.   I have always been a worrier, ever since I read my dad's 1960's medical encyclopedia's when I was a little girl, convincing myself I had every disease.  And now, after Luka's death,  I am worried that everything is going to be one big catastrophe.  Everything surrounding Luka's birth was supposed to be beautiful and peaceful, and it ended up being the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  So, I think it makes perfect sense that I would allow my mind to start believing everything important and meaningful that will happen in my life will be disastrous.  And so this has been the cycle of my thoughts for most of December, and now into January.  I'm working on staying optimistic, and there are days where I overwhelmingly feel that 2012 will be the best year we've had in a long time.  Michael got a new teaching job, which he is very excited about.  We met a wonderful new couple, who we just instantly clicked with, and I can't wait to get to know them more.  My friend Marie, is getting married on the beach in the summer , and so summer holidays will be an adventure down the Oregon and California coast.  We're starting the process of having fertility testing,  and it looks promising.  There are so many things to be grateful for, and to look forward to.  But there are some days where it feels like there is this invisible line in my mind which divides my optimism and my anxiety.  Some mornings I wake up and wonder which side I will be on.  It's those days where I don't want to get out of bed, where I don't want to face the world.  But I do.  Because life is too short to ignore what I've been given.  And the choice to face the day, gives me the opportunity to end up on the optimistic side of the line.  I'm working on it.  And there's nothing like a new kitten to help me remember to play, be in the moment, and take naps when you should be planning your school day.  Willow is our newest member of our household.  A new life to distract me from my irrational mind, and keep me laughing.  We adopted her yesterday, exactly a year and a half since Luka was born and died.  A perfect gift to remind us of how precious our daughter was and always will be.  I'm hoping that as this year continues, my heart and my soul will not only win the battle over my anxious ridden mind, but I will find balance and continued optimism.  And with all this work and healing, I hope the invisible line will become a positive one, and remain that way for nine months and beyond.