change

It was a beautiful sunny day today with no wind, and I woke up thinking about this time last year.  I was so excited to be in my second trimester, and I was starting to show.  Today Luka would have been seven months old.  How time can fly but also feel so slow.  We went for brunch today, and then I went for a walk with Marie in the sunshine.  It was wonderful to feel the shift of direction in the light, and the anticipation of the warmth of spring. The buds are coming out on some of the trees, and the magnolia blossoms outside my school seem ready to open.  I know it won't be for a little bit longer, but I can feel change in the air.  Change.  That was our theme for the week.  After many a discussion, and some deep soul searching, Michael made the decision to take a leave of absence from his job until the end of the year.  It was a very hard decision.  It was extremely difficult to leave his students, but I know that it is the right choice for him and for our relationship.  He needs more time to heal, and I support him with all my heart.  Our society expects men to get over loss so much more quickly than women.  And because of that I believe many men bury their pain and sadness.  They will work overtime, and run away from their sorrow.  Michael wanted to be a father so deeply, and the loss of his precious daughter has changed him in ways I never knew were possible.  He needs more time to take care of his gentle and beautiful spirit,  and I embrace this change with an open heart.  On Thursday, I told my class that Mr. Florizone was leaving. They all wanted to know why. It's amazing how innocent and curious they are.  I told them that he wasn't feeling well, and he needed some time to get better.  One of the girls said, "He doesn't look sick, so why is he going?"  I was a little reluctant to bring up why, but I believe in not hiding things from my students.  So, I reminded them gently about how I lost a little baby in the summer. They all went silent, but were listening deeply.  I told them a little bit about her and that her name was Luka.  One of the boys whispered. "Luka.  That's a beautiful name," and a bunch of the other students nodded in agreement.  It was a lovely and respectful moment.  I thanked them for listening,  and told them that they could ask about Luka anytime.  I also told them that I hope to have another baby someday.  They all agreed I would.  Then one of the boys said, "Can we talk about something else now?"  I laughed, wiped the tears away, and said, "yes, let's do some Math."  Life goes on,  but I will always remember the precious moment I had with my class, remembering and honouring my little Luka.  I am looking forward to the changes that lie ahead.  It will be nice to have my husband at home, cooking me dinner, and taking care of himself.  I know he will heal, and find a path to peace.  Our little maple tree we received from friends after Luka died, is planted outside our front door.  The buds are slowly starting to come out.  New life.  New hope.  The ever changing cycle of life.  A reminder that out of darkness comes great light.  Heal well, my love.  I know the universe is listening.