presence

I have so much to write, and I'm not really sure where to start.  I have been wanting to write an entry for a couple of nights, but I have been so tired after a whirlwind of a week.  So, on this cloudy Saturday morning, having finally slept in,  and the house quiet,  I am ready to allow my thoughts to flow.  It's been a busy week.  Michael's parents have come and gone, we attended a wedding, I had a brutal cold, and Michael's show The Drowsy Chaperone opened on Wednesday night.  I had a lovely visit with my in-laws, they are wonderful people and have been a great gift in my life.  School has been busy, and I am in the middle of directing a children's version of Midsummer Night's Dream, with some of the older kids at the school.  And every night as I fall asleep, I have been overwhelmed with the anticipation and excitement of life.  I haven't felt this way in a very long time.  Before and during my pregnancy with Luka,  I wasn't very happy with my life.  I was overjoyed when I found out I was pregnant,  and very excited for her to arrive and be part of our lives.  But, in my professional and personal life,  I felt very lonely.  Michael and I were so looking forward to having a baby, and opening our world to some joy.  So, when we lost Luka, I truly believed that I would never be joyful or happy again.  And now, even though she is not here in the physical sense, her little spirit is bringing us new found joy.  In November, when Michael was at one of his lowest points,  I convinced him to audition for the play The Drowsy Chaperone, as the lead character,  Man in Chair.  He did, and was given the part.  As he began rehearsals,  he would express to me his reluctance of performing when he was still in the healing process.  I pushed him gently to continue, and assured him that creating and performing this role was a gift from our daughter, and would be an essential part of his healing.  On Wednesday night, as I sat in the audience, and watched the love of my life transform and create magic on stage,  I knew I had been right.  Luka had brought him the most beautiful gift.  Michael has always been a talented performer.  I have seen him in so many plays, but never like this.  That night, I couldn't sleep.  I felt pure love and joy for my husband, the life we share, and the daughter we created.  I felt excited for our future, whatever it may hold.  I woke up excited,  even though I had to go to work, and had had only two hours of sleep.  It's a nice feeling to have.  I miss Luka every day.  I want to hold her.  But after this week,  I know she is blessing us in ways I can't even explain and imagine.  Michael's director asked me after opening night if I could feel the presence of Luka shine through Michael as he performed.  There is no doubt in my mind that she was present. And I know she will continue to be present as we continue through this journey of healing and hope.  The clouds are starting to roll in, and by tonight it will be raining.  But I don't care. Luka's little tree is starting to blossom, and spring is here.