the waiting game

It's finally a beautiful sunny morning in Chilliwack, with not a cloud in the sky.  Michael and I are enjoying a five day long weekend together, after having visitors in April, and the madness and wonderfulness of his show.  Today, it has been exactly nine months since Luka died. Time has flown by so quickly, and I am in disbelief that summer holidays will be here in two months.  At this time last year, I was getting ready to go on maternity leave.  Michael and I started planning our summer holidays the other night, and I hope with all my heart that our summer is a joyful one.  There are many things to be excited about, and one of them is getting pregnant again.  I have been debating whether to write about this on my blog, because it can be so personal.  I have decided that this story is about my journey to have a healthy baby, and I need to honour the journey with my thoughts and feelings.  Life is now about waiting.  Every month, waiting.  Getting excited, wondering, questioning, hoping.  Wondering if I will be disappointed or ecstatic.  I am one of those women who is obsessed with her cycle.  I even have an app for it on my ipod. I check it every day, and sometimes twice a day.   Like the days have suddenly changed.  I'm consumed with thinking about it.  And I don't want to be.  I want to be relaxed.   I want it to happen when it's time for another soul to enter our lives.  I want to live my life for me, and not for the desperate need for a child.  Last night we watched a movie and one of the characters mentioned this quote. "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  As I was falling asleep,  it kept running through my head.  I can't decide when I will get pregnant.  It's completely out of my control.  My body will do what it needs to do when it's ready, no matter how hard I count the days until my next cycle.  I also want to live my life for me.  To look at my life, and change what I am unhappy with, and what I am in control of.  Yes, a baby will make me happy, but right now I have to enjoy the life I was given.  The last nine months have been difficult, but also full of gifts.  The strength of love Michael and I have for each other, new friendships, Michael discovering his love of acting again and the excitement of new creative possibilities.  My goal today is to embrace that whatever happens this month, I will continue to live in the possibility.  It doesn't mean I won't be disappointed if I'm not pregnant, but I need to look around and see the beauty that surrounds me, and the opportunities that lie ahead.  Today we're going to re-pot Luka's maple tree, and give it more room to grow.  Every day the buds get a little bigger, and I am so excited for the leaves to finally come out. The tree will come with us wherever we go, and will be replanted in the ground when the time is right.  I've been really feeling Luka's presence lately.  In the spring flowers, the birds, and the new life that is sprouting all around us. I even saw a bald eagle dip through the trees, his white head glistening in the sun.  As I walk with Sassy, I feel Luka playing in the wind, and I can imagine her saying "It will happen, Mom! It will happen!" I look forward to giving her a brother or sister.  And so we patiently wait, enjoying life and all that it has to offer.