try and try again

Another month has past, and we are still not pregnant.  Another weekend of tears and hopelessness.  It's been a hard few days, and yesterday I had a complete emotional breakdown.  It's been a long time since I let the emotions flow, and it was good to let myself cry for a solid two hours.  Lately, there are so many questions.  What if there is something wrong with me?  What if I don't have any healthy eggs? When is it going to be my turn to have a family? Why did we wait so long to start having children?  I'll be 37 in five months, and I'm starting to feel like it will never happen.  I want to stay positive and I want to be hopeful, but in all honesty, a part of me wants to give up.  When I was little I was always terrified that I wouldn't be able to have children. Was that intuition, or was is just a fear that I fabricated?  Michael has to continuously remind me that we did have a child.   I carried to term, and delivered a baby.  But I want a living baby and my life is consumed with thinking about it.  As hard as I try to focus my attention on other things, it is constantly with me.  I also thought this time of year would be exciting, with spring arriving and the promise of nice weather.  I do look forward to more sunshine, and enjoying barbecue's on our patio, however I am often reminded of being pregnant last year.  Being round, loving being pregnant, walking with Sassy, and talking to Luka as she moved inside me.  Last night I had strange dreams, full of vivid imagery and colour.  I woke up feeling mixed emotions, and wanting to go back to sleep and dream.  Sleep is so comforting.  It allows my emotions to settle, and gives me strength to hope again.  A few minutes ago a friend gently reminded me to stop hoping and start believing.  I want to believe. And there is a huge part of me that does.  I just sometimes feel like I have failed.  Failed my husband, who so wants to be a father again, failed my own body, and failed at producing a healthy child.  I know I can't give up.  I know anything is possible.  Here's believing for next month, and if not next month, the month after that.  Tonight I find comfort in my mint chocolate chip ice cream, a hot bath, and my Harry Potter books.  Life goes on, and even though I truly wish storks delivered babies,  I know I must embrace the natural process of creating life, and trust it will happen when the time is right.