last breath

It's been a whirlwind of a week but after a lot of hard work, my student actors at school performed, with great success,  A Midsummer Night's Dream.  It was a great accomplishment for me professionally and personally, and it was a wonderful way to end the week, and begin the long weekend.  Today is the ten month anniversary of Luka's death, and she has been in my thoughts and heart all weekend.  As I watch the sun rays shine through the valley,  I can't believe it's been a year since I was about to go on my maternity leave.  Last time this year, I was packing up my classroom, full of anticipation of the new little bundle that would be arriving in just over a month.  Now, and all this weekend, I have been remembering her last moments as I held her.  As we drove to our friend's cabin on Sunday, listening to music in the majesty of the mountains, the memory of her last breath would not leave my mind. The tears could not help but fall.  Strangely, as I turned to Michael, he was also crying.  It was a quiet moment, with hardly any words, but it was needed.  We listened quietly to the music, taking in the gentleness of the rain, and the misty clouds covering the mountains. We arrived at the cabin, and with great friends, we ate and drank, played games, and enjoyed the simpleness of just being together.  My friends Sharon and Rob have three beautiful children, and being with them always bring joy to my life.  We found our way to the park in the evening, to play on the playground and swing on the best tire swing ever.  As I climbed in, I felt like a child again, and was pushed high up into the air.  I have always wanted to fly, and as I glided in the air and felt the wind on my face,  I couldn't stop giggling.  I wanted more.  On the way back to the cabin in the dusk of night, I found myself walking on my own as the others ran ahead.  Luka's last moments once again entered my thoughts.  I remember as she took her last breath, a gentle warmth came over me. Although it sounds crazy, I felt a part of her soul enter mine.  I remember waiting for quite some time before saying out loud to everyone in the room, she had died.  As painful as it was, I wanted to hold on to that moment.  In the last week, I have been experiencing great joy, almost a giddiness.  I've been wondering if part of that energy is Luka's soul shining through, reminding me to play, laugh and enjoy the joy of being alive.  If she was with us, she would almost be one year old, close to walking, and we would be getting ready to spend our second summer with her.  But I can't allow myself to have those thoughts, because she was only meant to be with us for her little life.  The sun is peeking through the clouds as it sets, and is sending in the most beautiful light to our little place on the mountain.  I'm now going to take a hot bath, climb into bed, and fall asleep remembering my little daughter, who continues to remind me of how precious and wonderful life can be.