spring cleaning

Sunday morning, and the clouds have rolled in.  I can't see across the valley, and the birds are singing away as they play in the light rain, looking for worms.  My little garden is green and growing, and Luka's tree is continuing to open its leaves.  It's been a quiet weekend.  Yesterday, Michael and I went for a run along the Vedder river.  I haven't run with much stamina,  since before I was pregnant with Luka.  It felt great and I can't wait to continue over the summer.  In the evening,  I spent three hours on Skype with my friends Katie, Katherine and Sarah, and we talked and talked.  I wish we could have been together in person, but it was so lovely to connect and share our lives with each other.  We laughed, cried and reminisced.  I love my friends so dearly, and I am so grateful for having them in my life.  Earlier in the afternoon, I decided to do some spring cleaning.  I've been neglecting cleaning out my closets and dressers, even though they are filled with clothes I no longer wear.  And so I purged.  I got rid of anything that I haven't worn in a year, and anything that no longer fit.  Except one pair of skinny jeans I love and vow to wear again!  As I sorted, I found all my maternity clothes from when I was carrying Luka.  It's amazing how every piece of clothing has a memory.  The pink dress I wore every day the week before she arrived.  The flowery green top I bought when I began to show, and the excitement I had to have a little round belly.  And then I pulled out the shirt I wore when Luka died.  I didn't expect the emotion.  It flooded me, and I had to sit down on the bed and weep.  I remember consciously choosing the shirt in the hospital room, knowing that it would be what I wore as I held my baby while she left this world.  As I sat on the bed, I held the shirt to my chest and smelled it, hoping for some scent of little Luka.  I folded it gently and put it with my pile of maternity clothes.  Part of me wanted to throw it in the give away pile, because I don't know if I'll wear it ever again.  My drawers are emptier now, my maternity clothes tucked away in bags for another time.  It always feels nice to cleanse. Out with the old, in with the new.  In the last week, I've come to realize that I need to find happiness in my life again.  Running, reading, performing, and lately I've been thinking about a photography course.  Things that make me happy to be alive.  Michael just made me breakfast, and then we're going to enjoy the day.  Summer is almost here, and I look forward to spending time with family, going on adventures, and honouring Luka.  And maybe, just maybe, in the fall I will pull out those maternity clothes and wear them again with pride.