roller coaster

The last few weeks have been a roller coaster ride. We put an offer on a house, only to have it fall through, I changed my hair colour to blonde, and I'm not loving it, and then I sprained my ankle on my first serious day of getting back into shape, in the first five minutes of a run.  Now, I am slowly healing, but it is driving me crazy and I just feel miserable.  I didn't really want to write a depressing blog, but it's been whirling around in my head, and I needed to get it out before I continued on with my report cards.  It's June.  Last year when writing report cards, I was feeling Luka kick and squirm inside me.  I was walking the hills every day for forty minutes or more.  Such anticipation, such excitement.  I felt great. Healthy, prepared, and in love with the growing baby inside me.  Now, I feel stuck. Trapped, with a sprained ankle.  My body is craving exercise, and I know Michael is getting annoyed with my crankiness.  The more time I sit and wait for my ankle to heal, the more time I think of Luka and last year.  Maybe the universe is telling me that is what I need to do, but July looms in front of me.  Luka's birthday, the anniversary of her death, and all the emotion that goes along with it.  Today, as Michael shopped at Superstore,  I waited in the car and watched a very pregnant woman and her two children load their car with groceries.  I haven't been envious of a pregnant woman for a while, but today, I just wanted to be her.  All I want is to be pregnant, and it's not happening right now.  So, I made the decision last week to get in super shape, and then I sprain my ankle.  Driving home from shopping,  Michael asked me if I was depressed.  As we drove up the mountain, I decided that even though life is providing me with challenges,  I am not depressed.  I'm having a rough couple of weeks, but in general I have been feeling pretty positive. I laugh every day, thanks to my hilarious friend Marie, who is my own personal stand up comic and provides me with insight and humour to my crazy life.  I have my wonderful and caring friend Michelle, who gives me wisdom and hope for the future, while letting me love her children, especially her almost 3 year old daughter Maggie, who brightens my days with her adorableness.  (I was crushed when she would not hug me as a blonde.)  My loving and caring husband who puts up with my grumpiness and hypochondriac tendencies, and who has cooked, cleaned, brought out the garbage and compost, and built us some beautiful furniture over the past few weeks.  My friend Sharon who always knows just what to say, who displays the most amazing grace, and has been such a support to me over the past year.   Vivian and Lorne, our generous friends and landlords, who gave us honest advice about our home we were about to purchase, and who have adopted us as surrogate children.  My amazing grade three class, who took care of me all last week, by carrying my crutches, getting me ice, and helping me to prop up my leg.  My parents and in-laws who have stood by us every step of the way on this healing journey.   Life hasn't been easy, but I have had great friends and family to ride the roller coaster with me, and to them I say thank you. I'm ready to get off this roller coaster now, and get on a smoother one.  Summer holidays are two weeks away, and I know this summer will be better than last summer.  I only wish Luka was with us as we celebrate her first birthday.  Last week,  as I sat in the sunshine enjoying our view,  I strongly felt her presence.  It was almost like she was saying, " This is going to be a tough week Mom, but I'm here to get you through it."  Thank you, my little one.  It's because of you that I am able to continue on this roller coaster of life.