this is where I'm at

Summer holidays are four days away, (not that I'm counting), and I'm very grateful for the thought of sleeping in, lounging in the sun, reading and doing nothing.  Life hasn't been easy the past few weeks.  My ankle is healing very slowly, and I have been feeling quite stuck.  As July approaches, my emotions are all over the place.  Friday night I had a big emotional break down, and cried for an hour.  Usually after that release, and a good night's sleep, I wake up feeling refreshed.  But I just woke up angry.  Angry, because my ankle is taking forever to heal.   Angry,  because I can't go for walks with Michael and Sassy.  Angry, because I don't have Luka.  Angry, because a new pregnancy seems impossible.  All Saturday morning, I just stewed.  A big pot of swirling frustration and anger. I know that underneath all the anger is just deep pain.  I craved exercise, and I managed to go for a bike ride without my ankle hurting.  Getting on my bike was the best remedy.  I cruised through the paths,  Michael barely able to keep up.  I needed it.  To feel the wind on my face, hear my heart rate increase, and feel the sweat on my back.  Letting my anger slowly melt away.  Later in the evening, we went and saw a movie with our friends Sharon and Rob, and then went for a bite to eat.  The conversation eventually led to Luka, and my desire to get pregnant again.  My wise friend Sharon talked about our grief being a gift, and instead of it hardening our hearts, we need to open ourselves to others and give grace.  I thought about all the anger I have been harboring in the past few weeks, and how I have felt numb.  She talked about the power we have, as teachers and as compassionate souls, to change lives.  My heart does feel a bit hardened as I think about the journey we have gone through.  A whole year has gone by, and I sometimes feel like it won't get easier, even though I know it already has.  I don't want to forget Luka, but I know Sharon is right when she says I can't let my loss keep me from living and loving my life.   After Sharon shared her wisdom,  Rob simply said, "Maybe, this is where you need to be at right now.  In this time and place, this is where you're at."  Which, as simple as it sounds, rang true.  They were both right.  I need to open my heart but also embrace this stage in the grieving process.  The experts say there are stages of grief, and it's a series of linear steps.  But I don't believe that those stages are linear,  I think it twists and turns, like the roller coaster I wrote about in my last blog.  Right now, I am between anger and acceptance.  I don't know when it will change, or how long it will take for it to change.  But this is where I'm at.  And the one thing I do know, is that this summer will not be like last summer.  As we drove up the mountain today,  I rolled down the windows and let the breeze flow in, remembering Luka.  I think about her each time we go up the mountain.  Knowing she's with us.  Loving us and accepting us for where we're at.  No matter what.