anger

Anger.  It's not a pleasant emotion but it has begun to bubble over in the last couple of days.  There are moments where I'm angry at the universe for taking away my Luka.  I know it's selfish and childish, but there are days where I want to yell at the top of my lungs, "It's not fair."   It's not fair that others around me who were pregnant at the same time, had healthy babies.  It's not fair that I had to have a c section and because of that I have to wait to try again.  It's not fair that Luka never got a chance to smell the fresh air.  It's not fair that I had to hold my baby while she stopped breathing.  It's not fair that my parents watched their first grandchild die.  It's not fair that all the memories haunt me everyday.  I am angry.  And as much as I try to ignore it and hide it, it continuously resurfaces.  A wise friend and mentor once taught me to feel the emotion as deeply as you can feel it, until it changes.  Because eventually it has to change.  The great thing about anger, is that it does get boring.  It feels good to vent, but eventually it hurts too much to hold on to all that pain. I know in my heart and in my soul, that losing Luka has nothing to do with fairness.  There are so many people in the world who suffer horribly from war, poverty, abuse, and other things, that I could never fathom living through.  Is what happens to them fair?  What happened to us was pure chance, and is a biological mishap that I can never explain or fix.  It's life.  But today, I'm allowing myself to be angry.  To feel it, really feel it.  Until it changes.