stormy weather

It's been a difficult couple of days.  Sunday was miserable.  The fog settled on the mountain, and didn't leave all day.  The sadness settled into my body, and didn't leave all day.  Michael and I had to make a decision about whether to go to Saskatoon for Christmas, and we couldn't figure out why it was so hard. Later on in the afternoon as we drove down the mountain to the gym, we realized it was because without Luka, Christmas seems pointless.  Last year, at this time, we were imagining the excitement we would have to bring her home.  It was to be our first Christmas in thirteen years with our own family.  Now,  going home seems so painful, because we have nothing to bring, except our emptiness and the memories.  At the gym, we ran into someone who hadn't heard about Luka, and she asked us how our baby was.  It came at such a vulnerable moment, and as I stepped onto the elliptical machine, it took all my power to hold back the well of emotion.  All I wanted to do was cry uncontrollably, and curl up somewhere where no one could hear or see me.  But I forced myself to work out, sweating out the emotion.  It helped a little bit, but coming back up the mountain, the fog crept back in, and we still had to decide about Christmas.  So, through tears and gentle conversation, we decided that this year we are going to stay in Chilliwack.  We're going to celebrate Michael and I as a family, and the hope of the new year and new life to come.  We are going to find things to do that honour us, and give us enjoyment. We love our families, and we will miss them, but this year Christmas will be here.  I went to bed early, to try and sleep off the sadness, but with the morning came the rain, and the sadness seemed to permeate deeper.  It was very hard to walk through the doors of the school today.  Both Michael and I didn't sleep well, and we were grateful when the school day was over.  Grief can be so exhausting.  As we left the school, the sky was a stormy mess. It was mild, but the clouds were swirling, and the wind had picked up.  In the horizon, the sun was shining and casting the most beautiful light over the city.  It reminded me of how I felt.  A mess of emotions, swirling and twisting.  But somewhere, there is a glimmer of light, of hope.  That amidst all this pain there is joy to be discovered.  I know the storm will pass, and the sun will shine again.  I just hope it's soon.