to be a mother

It's almost December.  Just over four months since Luka was born and then left this world.  It's hard to believe she would be four months old if she were still with us.  There are days where everything that happened seems like yesterday, and there other days where time seems to go by so slowly.  It was a busy weekend.  Michael and I worked frantically on Friday night and all day Saturday, to get our report cards done.  On Sunday we went to the East Side Cultural Crawl in Vancouver.  It's a big showcase for a variety of artists, and allows the public to view their talents.  It was lovely to be around all types of people, who were celebrating and appreciating the value and process of art. Every second person seemed to be a mother carrying their newborn baby in a sling.  I sometimes wonder if I should be immune to these things by now, but every time I saw a baby,  it would tug on my heart strings.  To be a mother.  What a glorious feeling.  The bond you have instantly; whether you fully realize it or not.  To hold your child in your arms and feel her on your skin.  To truly experience unconditional love.   And to have that taken away, without warning.  Before we knew that  Luka wasn't going to survive,  I thought I would be raising a disabled child.  And there was no question in my mind that that is what I was going to do, and love her everyday of her life.  Then I had to do what no mother ever dreams of doing;  I had to hold my daughter in my arms and watch her take her last breath.  I had to let her go to be with the wind and the trees.  It was the most challenging, powerful, life changing, and devastating moment I have ever experienced.  As I watched the mothers with their babies looking at art,  I longed to be them.  I wanted to tell them how lucky they were.  To embrace every moment.  To hold on to their children tightly, because life is so fragile.  So precious.  On the drive home, Michelle and I had a long conversation about motherhood, and the fact that society doesn't celebrate and honour motherhood like they used to.  To me, it is the most important and honourable job that is given to us as women, if you choose to have children.  I think of how much I would have loved to raise my little Luka, and how I wanted to give her all that I know and understand in this world.  And for those few precious days, I gave her all I was able to.  I can't wait for the day when I will be a mother again.  And in time,  I know in my heart, that it will happen.