frustration and regret

It's a miserable Sunday morning, and the rain is coming down in buckets.  It's been very cloudy the last week, and the sun hasn't shone since last weekend.  It's to be expected at this time of year,  and I appreciate the warmth of the air when it rains.  I'd rather this then plugging in a car and wearing layers of clothing.  It's been a very interesting weekend emotionally.  I woke up Saturday morning sad and hopeful, after having a beautiful dream about Luka. She was alive, healthy, and I was holding her.  But for some reason I had this feeling she didn't belong to me.  I spent Saturday fighting tears, intense anger and frustration.  Michael went to his studio to play with some new art supplies, and I went to the gym and got on the treadmill and ran.  Hard.  Trying to get my mind and body to shed the anger.  It's so easy to be angry at the unfairness.  At first I was mad that I didn't have Luka, and then I started thinking about how badly I want to be pregnant again.  Which caused me to think about the c section. Which made me regret.  Oh, how I didn't want that damn procedure.  I wanted a home birth in water, outside and overlooking our view of the mountains.  I read and read about the beauty of birth and the gentle way a baby can come into the world. We had everything ready for the home birth.  A big blow up birthing pool,  food in the fridge to nourish me as I was in labour,  and a beautiful play list of music to welcome our baby into the world.  I visualized about the moment where I could feel the baby's head crowning, and then the last push out into this world.  I didn't want the bright lights, the feeling of being strapped down and not being able to see or feel my daughter being born.  I know that babies are resilient, but I am heartbroken Luka had to enter the world so harshly, especially because she was so fragile.  When I think about it to much, I feel torn in half.  After we lost Luka,  I didn't think I'd mourn the loss of my birth experience, but it's starting to come to the surface as we think about our next pregnancy.  I want a child, and I want to bring that child into the world the way I dreamed of.  I have to let go of the water birth, because next time I want to be in the hospital, because of the whole experience with Luka.  I know even in the hospital with my midwives and my doula, I can have a gentle birth.  I will demand it.  But, now I have to wait.  I hate waiting.  If anyone knows me, they know I'm not patient.  I jokingly told Michelle yesterday that I just want a baby, and I don't care how it gets here.  Even the stork could bring me a baby.  But in my heart, I know I need to wait, so that I have the chance to have a natural birth.  I know anything is possible, and I will welcome what ever comes my way.  It's just hard.  One more week of school, and then Christmas holidays.  I'm hoping it will snow, and the rain will stop.  The holidays will be busy with friends, and Michael and I spending time with each other.  And then it will be January.  A new year, new opportunities, and hopefully, new life.