living life after Luka

The holidays have arrived, and it was wonderful to sleep in this morning, and wake up with no alarm.   I woke up at two in the morning to watch the bright moon shine through our bedroom window.  Now, it's cloudy and gray and I'm hoping it will snow.  It was a very busy week and Michael and I are both worn out but excited for the holidays.  It's been an emotional week, and I have felt pretty low for a couple of days.  Someone I knew from my childhood died this week of ovarian cancer.  I used to babysit her children when they were little.  She was only 49, and she was an amazing woman.  She was my Facebook friend, and when I found out she died it hit me really hard.  I went to yoga on Wednesday feeling very sad, but I knew it would help me release the tears I needed to shed.  It was a beautiful class, and afterward I allowed the tears to fall.  I'm sure people were wondering why I was crying, but I just let myself.  In the car, I let go.  I cried for Luka, I cried for Angie, I cried for the unexplainable reason of death and loss.  As a culture, we never talk about death, and before Luka died, I avoided the topic altogether.  Now that it's part of my experience,  I wish I could say I understood it.  But I don't.  Last night, we went out for dinner with some friends, and ended up in a long conversation about living life,  and the gift of loss.  One of the questions that arose was whether we should be grateful when someone else dies.  As we grieve, we miss and long for that person to still be in our lives.  But it also teaches us to live our lives with purpose and meaning.  Losing Luka is still very painful, and each day is a journey.  But I need to continue to live my life.  I need to laugh, love, celebrate, experience joy, watch the moon shine into my window, climb mountains, fail, play, and follow my heart.  I am grateful that Luka has taught me to see this world differently.  She has opened up my eyes to the pain and joy of being a human.  I may not understand her death, but I am questioning and thinking about my life and the lives of those around me.  Today, Michael and I are going to spend time together.  I'll get groceries, we may even make pirags, the best Latvian bacon buns, and just enjoy each others company.  If we had Luka it would have been a completely different holiday.  But we don't, and so I will do my best to live in the now and embrace what I have and love, while remembering Luka and her gentle spirit.