tradition

Christmas morning.  Michael is sleeping, and I'm up early as I wait to skype with my family in Saskatoon.  My dad is making pancakes and when my dad is in the kitchen, everything gets put on hold.  I wish I was there for the best ricotta filled Christmas morning traditional pancakes, but right now I'm looking out over our view of the snow tipped mountains.  The rain has stopped momentarily, but from the looks of the clouds in the distance,  I'm thinking it will start to rain around noon.  I've just printed off the Globe and Mail holiday crossword puzzle.  1200 words of discovery.  This is another family tradition.  It drives Michael crazy, because our family becomes obsessed with random trivia, and can't talk about anything else for a few days.  Tradition.  Why is it so meaningful?  I always think of the musical Fiddler on the Roof, when I think of tradition. The importance of ritual, and celebrating together as a family.  Last year at this time, Michael and I were looking forward to beginning new traditions with our family.  What would this year be like if we had our little Luka?  I want to imagine the toys everywhere, her little giggle, and opening her first gifts from Santa.  But, when I think about it, it just seems so surreal.  Last night, Michael said he wants to move on with his life.  Not to forget Luka, but for life to continue, and for new things to happen. We want to buy a house, discover new ways to fulfill our souls, and try for another baby.  As hard as it is to not have Luka with us,  I also want to start thinking about the New Year and what is to come.  Driving up the mountain yesterday, I felt optimistic.  We are blessed to have such wonderful friends here in Chilliwack, who have adopted us as family.  We spent a glorious night and day at Marie's cabin, and went snowshoeing in the pristine mountain air.  We laughed, ate lots of food, played games, and had intellectual conversations.  I thought Christmas would be more difficult.  But, because of Luka, we have discovered new traditions with new friends.  Today we are going to go over to Michelle and Ashley's for a full day of Christmas fun.  They have welcomed us with open arms. They have been the biggest blessing in a very difficult year.  Their friendship has given Michael and I renewed hope and belief that life is wonderful, even without Luka.  I truly believe that Luka's gift to us this Christmas is to remind us of the importance of our lives.  To love, laugh, celebrate and find joy again.  As I walked through the snowy mountains a few days ago, I thought of Luka and her gentle spirit in the snow covered trees.  The softness of the snow, the cool running water of the stream, and the freshness of the air,  reminded me of her.  And I knew she was with me.  Snowshoeing.  A new tradition.  Thank you Luka.  I can't wait to do it again next year, and hopefully introduce you to your new brother or sister.

                        Merry Christmas everyone. Thank you for reading about my journey.