heartbeat

It's the last evening of the Christmas primary musical at school and Michael and I quickly came home for a rest and dinner.  It's been an exhausting week.  My students are all tired from performing and the teachers are walking around like zombies.  Every year I wonder, "Why do we do this?"  It's also been a week of remembering my early pregnancy with Luka.  Last year, I was feeling so sick, and it was hard being at the school for the Christmas concert.  I remember sitting back stage and feeling nauseous.  At this time last year we had our first ultrasound of Luka.  She was so small, but we could see her little hands and feet.  We also heard the heartbeat for the first time.  It was the best feeling and I remember us both crying for joy.  Two years before becoming pregnant with Luka, I suffered a miscarriage.  We were scheduled to see the midwife to hear the baby's heartbeat and I miscarried the day before our appointment.  So, when we heard Luka's heartbeat and saw the ultrasound, we were so relieved and believed that all would be well.  Last year there were four pregnant women at the school, including me. There was one due in March, one in April, and two of us in early July.  All three had healthy babies, and are now on maternity leave.  On Tuesday afternoon, they all came to the matinee performance and sat in the back row.  And I wasn't one of them.  It was such a strange feeling, and very painful.  I tried my best to just focus on the play, but my eyes kept on wandering over to their adorable babies.  I couldn't help thinking what my life would be like now if I had Luka.  What would I be doing?  Would I still be living in Chilliwack? Would Michael still be teaching at the school?  All of these questions.  And no answers.  Last year, after hearing Luka's heartbeat, we recorded it on Michael's cell phone.  We played it for our families and friends over the phone.  So steady and strong.  It's what kept us going the whole pregnancy.  If her heart was beating, then nothing else could go wrong.  I never thought that we would experience something so awful.  The miscarriage was hard, but nothing compared to losing Luka.  The holidays are coming, and I need the break.  Michael and I are going to take time to relax and continue to heal.  The new year is coming.  And I welcome it with open arms.