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2010: The life and death of my baby girl

It's New Years Day, and the sun has already gone down on the first day of 2011.  There was a glorious sunset over the mountains, orange and red, which lit up the white snow in a beautiful haze of warmth.  It was a quiet and reflective day.  Last night we had friends over to celebrate the beginning of a new year.  We made delicious appetizers and played a fun but hard new game called Funglish.  It was the perfect way to say goodbye to a very life changing and painful year.  Laughing and sharing ideas with friends who are like minded and understand the creative process.  Michelle brought over her children, and they frolicked their way through the evening, playing on the computer and on our ipods.  It's amazing how much they understand technology.  At one point I looked over at Michael, and he was sitting with Michelle's two year old daughter on his lap.  The image of them together was so beautiful, and I thought about our first miscarriage.  If that baby had survived, we would have a two and half year old.  We had some sad news this week.  Michael's cousin lost her little one at 37 weeks, before she was born.  The memories of our experience came flooding back after hearing the news.  My heart breaks for the family and for the mother.  It's unexplainable, and frustrating.  As much as we want it to be, life is not predictable.  Today, Michael and I went for a walk along the Vedder river.  We walked there all through my pregnancy with Luka, and it always feels good to be by the running water, and the bald eagles perched in the trees.  If there is such thing as reincarnation, I would love Luka to be an eagle watching over us, powerful and strong.  Strength.  Something I never knew I had.  I survived this past year, and I am proud of myself for forging on.  For allowing myself to grieve and honour my emotions.  The days are getting longer now, and with it comes optimism.  Everyday I feel a little more whole, and although I know that the hole that occupies my heart will never be filled,  I can go on.  I'd like to say that this next year will be filled with joy and that is my hope. But like I said, life is never predictable.  And so as I say goodbye to 2010, I thank it for teaching me the strength of love, the process of grief, and the power of hope.  It will always be the year when my little daughter came into this world and then left it.  I look forward to what 2011 has to offer, the gifts it will bring, and the learning it will provide. Bring it on.