patience

If anyone knows me well, they know that I am generally not a patient person.  My whole life I have always wanted to know what was next.  I was one of those children that drives me crazy in my own classroom, the student that always gets their work done quickly and needs something new to work on.  My mother had to set up food stations around the house when I was little,  because I was always on the go.  Over the years I have learned to find patience when it is needed.  Teaching has taught me a great deal of patience, and in the classroom I have learned to breathe through the moment.  But when it comes to my own life, I struggle with wanting everything now.  When I was pregnant with Luka, I had no choice but to let the process happen. There is a reason that you are pregnant for nine months.  That time allows you to form a bond with your baby, and it really isn't until they are born that you realize the true connection that takes place.  And what a connection.  It's unbreakable.  Even though Luka is not with me,  she never leaves my mind and my heart.  She will always be a part of me.  Always.  This January has been the toughest month since Luka died.   Maybe it's the weather, or the time of year, but everything is a struggle.  I can't even motivate myself to go to yoga, when I know how good it is for me.  School is a challenge. Getting up in the morning is a challenge.  But I do it.  Because I know that for every day that goes by,  it is one step closer to the chance of having another baby.  I go through the day, and I'm okay.  I laugh with my kids, talk with the staff at lunch, go to the gym, and cook supper for Michael and me.  But there's always this underlying feeling of something missing mixed with the constant desire to be pregnant again.  And it all comes down to patience.  To embrace the process of waiting.  To find happiness in the little things.  I'm trying.  I just can't wait to have that feeling of pure excitement and pure joy.  Where nothing else matters.  It has and will continue to be a journey through the unknown.  Today, my friend sent me a video of a woman singing a song just before her baby was born.  Apparently she tried for a long time to get pregnant, and she composed the song while she waited for it to happen.  She eventually had the baby she so desired.  Her words are like listening to my daily thoughts.  It gives me strength, and as I patiently wait for the future,  I hope that I too, will soon be holding a newborn baby, while forever holding Luka in my heart.


If you would like to listen and see the video, I share it with all of you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8S57YHd-_c