my hopeless rant

So, the rain is coming down in buckets and the sky has been dark since this morning.  There was hardly any light today because the fog just sat in the valley, and made the world dark and dreary.  This is when I miss Saskatchewan, where the sun beats down on the crisp white snow even when it's -32.  I don't know if it's the weather, or going back to school, or that I can't stop thinking about sadness and loss; but I am a miserable mess. Or maybe it's a combination of it all.  I just miss Luka so much.  I want her back.   I'm angry that Michael's cousin lost her baby, and has to suffer after knowing her baby was perfect.  I love teaching and I love my class but I'm not happy where I am right now.  I wasn't supposed to be there this year.  I was supposed to be a mother.  Just when I thought things we're getting easier,  I'm turned upside down.  People probably think I should be over it. Move on. Think of the future. And I do think of the future.  Of being pregnant again, and the feelings I felt, but I hate that I have no control over my next pregnancy. It will be so different because I won't have the rose coloured glasses on.  I'll be aware and conscious of every movement, every shift, every subtlety.  I love all of you that are having babies or about to have one, but I admit that I'm jealous.  I'm sorry.  I'm trying my best to not let it affect me, but it does. Michael and I have both been incredibly sad this past week.  We're holding on by a thread, holding each other as we cry, and watching Fawlty Towers to help us laugh because we need it.  I know the rain will stop and the sun will come out again, but right now I feel downright hopeless.  It's just that simple.  I will now eat Indian food and watch an episode of Fawlty Towers, have a bath, and then go to bed early.  And hope for a better day tomorrow.