trust

This morning we woke up to a land filled with wet snow, and a six a.m phone call telling us we didn't have to come to school. Snow day!! It was a great gift.  Michael and I curled back up in bed, and slept in.  When I woke up at around nine, I stepped outside and marveled at the white banks of snow that had drifted high up to our front door.  We spent the day lounging around, watching Modern Family and going for a walk with Sassy.  I love watching her play in the snow- how she dives right into the huge drifts with complete trust.  Lately I've been thinking about trust, and the power it has.  All through my pregnancy with Luka,  Michael would tell me to trust.  When she wouldn't move inside of me for a couple of hours, he would touch my belly, and say "trust, Wendy."  After Luka died, I thought I would never trust again.  And I could easily blame Michael for making me believe that everything would be alright.  But I can't, because Michael has this amazing gift.  He is open.  He wears his heart on his sleeve.  He can sense and feel people's energy.  He could feel Luka's energy from very early on in my pregnancy.  He will let you in, and never let you go.  He is strong and loving and believes that anything is possible.  This is why I married him, and why I will continue to love him for the rest of my life.  I can always count on Michael to remind me to trust.  It was his trust that I believe allowed Luka to survive as long as she did, so that we were able to meet her, hold her, and love her.  This whole experience has shaken our trust, but will not break it.  It's hard to think about what it will be like to be pregnant again, and the difficulty of letting go of the past experiences we have gone through.  I wish I were like Sassy, and I could just leap into the snow with no questions.  With my next pregnancy, my goal is to breathe.  To try hard not to jump to conclusions.  To try and let go of the idea that I can control everything. Because I won't be able to. I just have to dig deep, and believe.  Trust that whatever comes my way, it will be the way it needs to be. And with Michael by my side, I know anything is possible.