Sunday, June 26, 2011
Summer holidays are four days away, (not that I'm counting), and I'm very grateful for the thought of sleeping in, lounging in the sun, reading and doing nothing. Life hasn't been easy the past few weeks. My ankle is healing very slowly, and I have been feeling quite stuck. As July approaches, my emotions are all over the place. Friday night I had a big emotional break down, and cried for an hour. Usually after that release, and a good night's sleep, I wake up feeling refreshed. But I just woke up angry. Angry, because my ankle is taking forever to heal. Angry, because I can't go for walks with Michael and Sassy. Angry, because I don't have Luka. Angry, because a new pregnancy seems impossible. All Saturday morning, I just stewed. A big pot of swirling frustration and anger. I know that underneath all the anger is just deep pain. I craved exercise, and I managed to go for a bike ride without my ankle hurting. Getting on my bike was the best remedy. I cruised through the paths, Michael barely able to keep up. I needed it. To feel the wind on my face, hear my heart rate increase, and feel the sweat on my back. Letting my anger slowly melt away. Later in the evening, we went and saw a movie with our friends Sharon and Rob, and then went for a bite to eat. The conversation eventually led to Luka, and my desire to get pregnant again. My wise friend Sharon talked about our grief being a gift, and instead of it hardening our hearts, we need to open ourselves to others and give grace. I thought about all the anger I have been harboring in the past few weeks, and how I have felt numb. She talked about the power we have, as teachers and as compassionate souls, to change lives. My heart does feel a bit hardened as I think about the journey we have gone through. A whole year has gone by, and I sometimes feel like it won't get easier, even though I know it already has. I don't want to forget Luka, but I know Sharon is right when she says I can't let my loss keep me from living and loving my life. After Sharon shared her wisdom, Rob simply said, "Maybe, this is where you need to be at right now. In this time and place, this is where you're at." Which, as simple as it sounds, rang true. They were both right. I need to open my heart but also embrace this stage in the grieving process. The experts say there are stages of grief, and it's a series of linear steps. But I don't believe that those stages are linear, I think it twists and turns, like the roller coaster I wrote about in my last blog. Right now, I am between anger and acceptance. I don't know when it will change, or how long it will take for it to change. But this is where I'm at. And the one thing I do know, is that this summer will not be like last summer. As we drove up the mountain today, I rolled down the windows and let the breeze flow in, remembering Luka. I think about her each time we go up the mountain. Knowing she's with us. Loving us and accepting us for where we're at. No matter what.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
The last few weeks have been a roller coaster ride. We put an offer on a house, only to have it fall through, I changed my hair colour to blonde, and I'm not loving it, and then I sprained my ankle on my first serious day of getting back into shape, in the first five minutes of a run. Now, I am slowly healing, but it is driving me crazy and I just feel miserable. I didn't really want to write a depressing blog, but it's been whirling around in my head, and I needed to get it out before I continued on with my report cards. It's June. Last year when writing report cards, I was feeling Luka kick and squirm inside me. I was walking the hills every day for forty minutes or more. Such anticipation, such excitement. I felt great. Healthy, prepared, and in love with the growing baby inside me. Now, I feel stuck. Trapped, with a sprained ankle. My body is craving exercise, and I know Michael is getting annoyed with my crankiness. The more time I sit and wait for my ankle to heal, the more time I think of Luka and last year. Maybe the universe is telling me that is what I need to do, but July looms in front of me. Luka's birthday, the anniversary of her death, and all the emotion that goes along with it. Today, as Michael shopped at Superstore, I waited in the car and watched a very pregnant woman and her two children load their car with groceries. I haven't been envious of a pregnant woman for a while, but today, I just wanted to be her. All I want is to be pregnant, and it's not happening right now. So, I made the decision last week to get in super shape, and then I sprain my ankle. Driving home from shopping, Michael asked me if I was depressed. As we drove up the mountain, I decided that even though life is providing me with challenges, I am not depressed. I'm having a rough couple of weeks, but in general I have been feeling pretty positive. I laugh every day, thanks to my hilarious friend Marie, who is my own personal stand up comic and provides me with insight and humour to my crazy life. I have my wonderful and caring friend Michelle, who gives me wisdom and hope for the future, while letting me love her children, especially her almost 3 year old daughter Maggie, who brightens my days with her adorableness. (I was crushed when she would not hug me as a blonde.) My loving and caring husband who puts up with my grumpiness and hypochondriac tendencies, and who has cooked, cleaned, brought out the garbage and compost, and built us some beautiful furniture over the past few weeks. My friend Sharon who always knows just what to say, who displays the most amazing grace, and has been such a support to me over the past year. Vivian and Lorne, our generous friends and landlords, who gave us honest advice about our home we were about to purchase, and who have adopted us as surrogate children. My amazing grade three class, who took care of me all last week, by carrying my crutches, getting me ice, and helping me to prop up my leg. My parents and in-laws who have stood by us every step of the way on this healing journey. Life hasn't been easy, but I have had great friends and family to ride the roller coaster with me, and to them I say thank you. I'm ready to get off this roller coaster now, and get on a smoother one. Summer holidays are two weeks away, and I know this summer will be better than last summer. I only wish Luka was with us as we celebrate her first birthday. Last week, as I sat in the sunshine enjoying our view, I strongly felt her presence. It was almost like she was saying, " This is going to be a tough week Mom, but I'm here to get you through it." Thank you, my little one. It's because of you that I am able to continue on this roller coaster of life.