Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Another month gone and not pregnant. The roller coaster of waiting, anticipating, hoping and then pure disappointment. I can't do this anymore. It has become an obsession and my life is all about conceiving a child. Yesterday, Michael and I decided it is time for some investigating about why we're having trouble getting pregnant and staying pregnant. I'm not sure why we we've been avoiding it, but it's time to meet Dr. Fertility, whomever and whatever that may be. I'm nervous, because I never wanted to be "that" couple, but we are. The anxiety every month as we wait for my cycle to reveal a positive pregnancy test, is enough to send us both into a deep depression when it instead comes up negative. Really, these tests are to torture women who are very aware of their cycles. We have way too much information these days, and in a must-know-now society, early pregnancy tests just perpetuate the instantaneous need to know the moment you are pregnant. Whoever invented the home pregnancy test must be very wealthy. So, now we wait for a referral to a fertility specialist, which could take months. My question, is do we keep trying during that time? Am I willing to risk the disappointment? In all of this searching and longing, we also have come to the conclusion that we are in desperate need of some change. We have never been people to stick around one place for a long period of time. I'm itching for an adventure. If it's not going to be a baby adventure, then maybe we need to take a big risk and do something completely out of the ordinary. Overall, life in the past few months has been disappointment after disappointment. I am grateful for all my friends, my wonderful home overlooking the valley, and a job that pays the bills. But something is missing. Something that makes my heart sing when I wake up in the morning. I think I deserve that feeling. Right now I feel like I'm living in the no-thingness, which I know I need to embrace, and allow the energy to flow the way it needs to flow. This too shall pass. We can't give up hope. The universe might be providing a challenge, but what it doesn't know is that Michael and I aren't ones to give up. I will hold my baby in my arms before I am forty. All I ask is for the universe to keep letting in the glimmer of light, and the strength to believe that it will happen.