Saturday, October 15, 2011

we won't forget

Today is International Remembering our Babies day and women and men around the world are thinking and remembering their children they lost, never held, or only held for a short time.  It was a beautiful sunny day, and in tribute to Luka and in her memory, Michael and I went for a walk with Sassy.  The light was golden with a touch of indigo, and to make use of Michael's new iphone, we made a little movie of our adventure with Sassy.  This is how I spent my last few months of pregnancy, walking with a yellow bundle of energy.  Walks with Sassy have been integral in our healing process, and so here is a little taste of the joy she brings us, while surrounded by the natural beauty of our mountain home. 

Monday, October 10, 2011


It's a wet Thanksgiving morning.  The rain has moved in and by the looks of it, it is going to be around for the rest of the week.  Time to start taking my Vitamin D.  I'm about to peel potatoes, and prep the turkey for the oven; getting ready for the big feast we will have tonight.  It's been a busy week, and I am thankful for this extra day off, to do laundry, go to the gym, and relax with my husband.  Michael and I have been getting back on our feet after the miscarriage and leaving it behind us.  Time to move forward.  This week we had a lovely visit with my friend Katie and her husband Jeff.  It had been two years since I saw Katie last, and when Luka died, it was so difficult to not be able to hug her, and spend time with her.  On Thursday evening, over good food and beer for the boys, we shared laughter, memories of old times, and photos of Luka.  It was amazing how raw the emotion was from both Michael and I.   It was wonderful to share the story of our daughter, and the joy and memories she continues to bring us.  Katie is pregnant with her second child, and I was able to feel her belly and feel the baby kick.  It was such a beautiful feeling, and it brought me back to being pregnant with Luka, and the joy I felt as she moved around inside me.  I so want that feeling again.  Lately my conversations with Michael are centered around two things.  The possibility of conceiving again and carrying to term, or beginning the adoption process.  We always end up going back to the strong belief that I will be able to carry a healthy child to term.  During the miscarriage,  I was convinced I wouldn't try again.  It's amazing how you forget, because now my desire to conceive again has deepened.  How much of my body am I willing to give?  Getting pregnant is truly about giving your body to a process that is never guaranteed.  And so many women do it over and over again.  In the last few weeks I have read and heard about women, who have miscarried again and again, and still go on to have healthy children.  I don't know how long I will be able to continue to give, but I have a profound need to succeed, and to fulfill my soul's desire.  Tuesday night is Glee night on television, and last week as the show ended with one of my favourite Coldplay songs, I was moved to tears. A wave of longing came over me.  Longing for Luka, longing to hold her, be with her, and kiss her soft skin.  The whole experience of losing her is still so surreal, and it's completely overwhelming when you don't expect the memories to flood in.  But they do, and then they pass.  Life continues.  And on Thanksgiving day,  I think of all the women who give their body to carry a child.  I think of those who have lost, those that want to give and are not able,  and those who have watched their children grow and become adults. Without women, none of us would be here. I am honoured to have a body that can give and grow life.  I am thankful that I gave my body to grow Luka.  Without her presence in my life,  I would not be the woman I am today.  And I am willing to do it all again, and again.  Because, somewhere in the deepest part of my soul, I believe it will all work out and I will hold a healthy baby in my arms.  I am now going to prepare Thanksgiving dinner, to give thanks for all the wonderfulness life brings, and to thank all the people in my life who give me friendship and bring me joy and laughter.  Happy Thanksgiving!