Thursday, June 6, 2013
Waiting. The hardest part of the this whole journey and this whole process. A week and a half until the actual due date of this baby boy, and now patience and trust have become my daily focus. I am spending my days reading, walking, visiting friends, and enjoying the beautiful weather. At night, I feel the baby move around inside me and pray and hope all goes smoothly. Every morning I wake up and realize that I am one day closer to meeting this little boy, who we love and can't wait to hold. Baby is moving all the time, head is down, and I'm feeling ready to bring this baby into this world. It's hard not to compare the waiting for this baby, with my waiting for Luka to be born. Our lives have completely changed and opened up since the birth and death of our beautiful daughter. I have grown stronger, more aware, and opened my heart to the limitless possibilities of life. In the past few weeks, I have been seeing an amazing counselor to help me through all the emotions that have been surfacing as I get closer to giving birth. I was reluctant at first to see a counselor, because I was afraid of having to remember all the trauma of Luka's birth. But, I wanted to truly honour this baby's entrance into this world and not get stuck in the emotions of the past, when I am in labour. At my last counseling session, Michael joined me, and we talked about ways to honour Luka's memory as her brother is born. While talking, I shared the most profound moment I experienced when Luka took her last breath. As I held her and her soul left her tiny body, I felt part of it enter mine. It was like she needed to be with me still, the only place she knew was safe. And I realized as I shared this with the counselor, and Michael, that Luka will be with us as this new baby is born. Luka is part of me, and always will be. By honouring my body and the power I have within me to give birth, I am honouring Luka and all she has given us. Luka's death was a different kind of birth. A birth that has given me a life time of deep love, patience, and strength I never knew I had. I can give birth, and I will. It won't be the same. It will be challenging. It will be hard. And I want it. So, every moment I get restless, or impatient, I allow myself to breathe deeply, feel the wind in the trees, and visualize the moment when we hold this baby in our arms, and then after all this time and waiting, get to take him home.