December in Chilliwack. Rainy, damp and dark. But in the darkness there is a wonderful glimmer of light, and the subtle butterfly movements of new life in my belly. Yes. We have made it past the first twelve weeks of pregnancy, and I have a little being the size of a peach moving around inside me. I am due in June. I have been super sick with all day sickness. As hard as it's been, I am ever so thankful to have felt so awful in my first trimester. Today I actually ate dinner out, and enjoyed every bite. So wonderful to enjoy food again. Today as we listened to the heartbeat at the midwives, and the little kicks and movements, I felt unbelievably relieved, and still completely terrified. There is still a huge road ahead of us. We have made it through the first step. Now we just have to keep on going, and trust that all will be as it should be. I put on my first pair of maternity pants today, (not that I totally need them yet), but they are far more comfortable than my regular jeans. I also told my students at school today, because there is nothing like the love and support from innocent nine year old's. One girl asked if we would name the baby Luka again. As this past few months have gone by I can't help but compare this pregnancy to being pregnant with Luka. The differences and the similarities. And all the questions. Will it work out? Will it be healthy? Should we get a million genetic tests? After hours of talking and debating, my heart and soul is content to not know the statistical chance of if I will or will not have a genetically "correct" child. The stress it would cause me to wait and worry, and in the end not have a definitive answer, is something I'm not willing to go through. We will have a detailed ultrasound at twenty weeks, with a specialist, and we will go from there. I am just trying to live in each moment and trust that the universe will provide. This weekend I sang in my first choir concert in ten years. Although it has been really hard to be at rehearsals through all my nausea, I am so grateful for the gift of finding my singing voice again. Driving to the concert in the dusk, the snowy mountains glowing in the twilight, I began to cry. Life hasn't been easy the past few years. But it has given us so many gifts. And although we don't have our little Luka, I have felt her with us during this very challenging journey. I am so grateful for her little light that still shines brightly in our hearts, and in the little beating heart of her soon to be brother or sister.
One of the choir pieces we sang this weekend, is by Eric Whitacre, and is the most beautiful choral piece I have ever sung. The lyrics touch my soul, and not only remind me of our Luka, but of the light and hope to come.
warm and heavy as pure gold
and the angels sing softly
to the new-born baby.