Saturday, December 3, 2011

when life catches up to you

I've been at  home sick, and as I slowly get better,  I've realized two things.  My life needs a change, and I still desperately miss Luka.  Life has caught up to me, and in the last month,  my body and my mind, has finally said "enough".  Going back to work two months after Luka died was what felt right at the time.  I needed to keep busy, and I had some great things happen for me professionally last year.  But this year it feels like I am dragging my feet.  It seems like time is trudging along, and nothing ever seems to give.  It's like one obstacle after another, and I wonder if we will reach the other side.  Joy.  It seems so far off and yes, a million people will tell me to find the joy in the small stuff.  And I do.  I laugh and have fun at improv on Friday nights.  My friend Marie, is always a phone call away when I need a good dose of comedy mixed with cynicism.  I went to the Muppets, and remembered the simpleness of Sunday evening, when there was nothing in the world expect Kermit the frog singing the Rainbow Connection.  But I want that joy of anticipation, the joy of waiting for something amazing to happen, the excitement of what lies ahead.  This afternoon, I spent some time looking through the pictures we took of Luka when she was born, her little life and when she died.  I haven't looked at them closely in a long time.  My whole body just wants to hold her again.  I'm still in disbelief that Michael and I created a tiny human being. And I am still in disbelief that I had to let her go. My heart longs for her. There are days when it feels like yesterday and the pain is still as strong. On a positive note, we have an appointment with our first fertility counselor in two weeks, thanks to the amazing genetic doctors at Children's hospital. They referred us and got us an appointment.  I realize some couples wait months to see a fertility expert, so I am ever so grateful for this opportunity.  They reassured us that the problem is not that we are infertile, we just need to find a way to stay pregnant, and carry a healthy baby to term. I'm hoping that this path leads us to what we desire, but in the meantime,  Michael and I have made the commitment to make change in our own lives, whatever that may be.  I also need to start taking care of myself.  I threw myself into my job last year, because it's what got me through.  Now, it's time to start focusing on my mental and physical health. Michael and I talk about our future, and how we will look back at these two years of our lives, and say to ourselves, "Wow, we survived that.. can you believe it!"  I hope that conversation happens.  Maybe it's selfish to think that my life is so hard, when there are so many people going through so many awful things.  But I write this blog, because this is how I feel, in the moment, and it is part of my continual healing process.  I am grateful to all those who read it, and send their loving thoughts.  Thank you for listening to our journey.