holding pattern

It's been an extremely social weekend, full of visiting, remembering, eating, drinking, and dancing. On Friday night we went to visit our midwives, who have become lovely friends. We played Settlers of Catan, and Michael entertained us with his robot.  On Saturday night we went to an Italian fundraiser with friends, at the Italian cultural centre in Vancouver.  We dressed up, and Michael even wore a tie. It was a fun filled evening, with a five course meal, a live band, and free flowing wine.  We had a blast, and even got up on the dance floor.  Michael and I have always had a hard time dancing together, because we both want to lead.  Needless to say, we are both control freaks and we ended up bumping little old Italian couples in the head as we made our way around the dance floor.  We were laughing so hard, something I haven't experienced in a while.  It felt good.  Later in the evening, as the band played slow cheesy love songs, my friend and I started talking about Luka. There were lots of young babies at the event, and she asked if it was hard for me to be around them.  It is hard, and I'm constantly aware that I don't have Luka when I see other mothers. It makes me miss her, but lately it has also given me hope and optimism that I will have a child that I will hold and love.  My friend then asked if it feels like I'm in a holding pattern. I've been thinking about that question all day, and realize I am.  I'm mourning the past, and desiring the future, and trying my best to live in the now.   And I'm so grateful for the now.  My holding pattern has been blessed with good friends, a gentle Grade 3 class, a lovely new couch, a wonderful social life, a loving husband who has a new outlook on his life,  the memory of a beautiful daughter, and the gift of being alive.  Michael and I just went for a walk in the wind.  I love feeling the crispness of the air, and watching the leaves fall from the trees.  Winter is coming, which in my mind is a holding pattern for Spring to arrive and for the hope of new life.