new couch

We received our new couch today. We bought it about six weeks ago, when we needed some retail therapy. It looks great in our place, and I feel like a grown up having bought new furniture.  I guess I am grown up.  I can't believe I'm only four years away from being forty.  Life goes so quickly. Losing Luka has certainly aged me.  I can't stop thinking about her today.  I wish I could have her next to me, breastfeed her, and snuggle her as she falls asleep.  I'm glad I had a chance to put her on my breast in the hospital.  I'll never forget that feeling of having her latch on, and then fall asleep in my arms.  It's a memory that always makes the tears flow. We went grocery shopping this afternoon.  Seeing babies with their mothers just continuously reminds me that I'm childless.  Our first holiday without her.  I thought I would be walking with her in the autumn leaves, eating Thanksgiving dinner with her, and celebrating our little family.  I desperately needed a walk when I got home, to clear my mind, and get my body moving.  My thoughts stayed with me, but it was good to get out in the fresh air.  It began to pour and I took off my rain jacket to feel the rain on my face, and let the water wash away all my tears. For now.