stars

It's Thanksgiving morning, and I've been lying in bed procrastinating getting out of bed.  This is the first morning in a while, where I haven't felt like facing the day. But, I pushed myself and here I am on the computer.  Last night we went to friends for a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner.  Of course I overate, and I think that's part of the reason I feel kind of blah today.  Coming home from dinner last night, the stars were out, and the air was crisp and cool.  I love looking at the stars on our mountain. You can see so many of them, and it reminds me of how small we are.  I've been teaching the solar system and space to my students at school.  They have such a fascination with the beyond.  I often wonder if Luka is a star.  I know that's strange, but stars have the same matter we do.  I wonder often where her little spirit is.  I'm not sure what I believe.  Did she find another family to be born to?  Will she come back to us?  Is she with God? Is she playing with all the other babies who have died?  When she took her last breath, I honestly felt that part of her spirit became part of mine.  It was such a powerful, tragic and life changing experience to have her die in my arms.  It's the unknown that is so hard.  Life is so precious, and I am thankful for being alive.  This is what I have to keep reminding myself on mornings like this, when it's hard to get out of bed.  Amongst all the unknowns,  I do know that Luka is with me in some form, and I have to trust that life will bring me the answers when it is time.  And when I see a falling star, I will think of little Luka, and allow myself to wish for a healthy child in the future.