music

Yesterday we went to Vancouver to return a pair of jeans Michael had purchased, and we decided to make a day out of it.  It's been awhile since we've been in Vancouver together, and we were really craving our favourite Thai restaurant. It was a beautiful day, so we drove straight to Stanley Park, and walked along the seawall.  We talked about school, what we're going to do for Christmas, our dreams, and of course Luka.  It's interesting how she just weaves her way into a conversation. We also talked about the future; the hope and desire of new life.  Walking through Kitsalano was easier then expected. Michael and I frequented Kits quite often when I was pregnant.  We visited every baby store at least twice, debating and sometimes arguing over the perfect stroller, or the best brand of cloth diaper. Michael wondered yesterday about all the energy spent researching the perfect things for Luka that we will never use for her.  I told him that it was all important and meaningful, and that it brought him great joy to spend hours on the internet looking at designer outfits.  We ate at Maenam, a great Thai restaurant, which was so good, and then began the drive home in the rain.  Listening to music, in the darkness of the highway, my thoughts returned to Luka.  Music has been hard to listen to in the past three months, because all our music relates to my pregnancy, Luka's birth, and then her death.  We had created a beautiful playlist for my home birth which never happened. We ended up playing all the music intended for her coming into this world, for her exit out of this world.  I don't know when I'll be able to listen to those songs, but I hope it brought her peace as we held her in our arms.  It was good to listen to new music last night.  Music really is a soundtrack to our lives, and has amazing powers to heal and transform.  During my pregnancy, there was one song that I listened too over and over by Xavier Rudd, called Breeze.  Every time I heard it I would break into tears. I don't know if the lyrics and the music were a preparation for what was to come, but this song was an essential part of my life and Luka's, and helped shape her little existence on earth.

  You will breeze in
  Fresh air that you are
  They will inhale you deep into their lungs
  They will exhale you as far as you may go
  And you will touch their souls.

                                   -Xavier Rudd, from the album Koonyum Sun