joy

Lately I've been thinking about our cat Mango.  I woke up in the middle of the night, and almost went to look for him so I could cuddle with him.  We had to put Mango down right before Luka was born, on my due date.  It was so traumatic at the time. He was our cat for twelve years, our entire married life together.  We were devastated, and I felt bad for Luka, because I was crying so much, and I worried that all that sadness would affect her.  Little did we know what was to come.   If my life were a novel, Mango's death was the foreshadowing of Luka's death.  All the emotion we experienced with Mango was nothing we experienced compared to Luka , but there were so many similarities.  Three days of waiting. Making the decision to let both of them go. The need to hold on. The guilt, the hope and the acceptance.  It was a month of loss. I remember going for a walk after Mango died, and asking the universe for some joy.  I looked up at the trees and watched the wind for a while, and prayed for the joy to come.  And I thought it would come.  The joy of having a baby, and watching him or her enter the world.  Holding them for the first time. Seeing Michael's face light up when the baby was born. Knowing we had a new life to influence and love.  I often think that those three days were all sadness. But there was some joy.  Seeing her react to our voices, putting her on my breast, Michael holding her on his bare chest, my parents holding their first grandchild, and having her really look at us, like she knew she only had a short time with us.  And for Luka, it was all she needed. But I need more. I want more joy. I want to still be holding her, and putting her on my breast, and watching Michael sleep with her.  It's hard to accept that I will never have that with her, but I'm hoping that the universe heard my prayer,  and is just a little behind in getting back to me.