out of nowhere

Here I am getting ready for bed, and running a bath and the memories flood in.  The hospital, the c-section, the ambulance ride and every feeling and emotion that goes with it.  At the same time, all I can think about is getting pregnant again, and we have to wait. Stupid c-section. And yet we would have not met Luka had she come naturally. She was breech and would have most likely died in birth, because she was not strong.  I miss her, and I miss the idea of her being healthy.  I want to hold her, nurse her, and be tired because she isn't sleeping.  But I keep on going.  Because I have hope, and I'm alive and I know she's with me. Someone asked me today if I have faith.  I have faith that life will answer the questions when I am ready, and that the universe will bring me joy.  And so I continue my routine of going to bed, and having my bath. Time. All I need is time. I just want to believe it.