recipe for life

I was eating dinner tonight and I realized that it's been one year ago since our little Luka was conceived,  and when her life began.  I had a feeling that I was pregnant before I took the pregnancy test.  Just knew. It's weird to think that as the cells divided, the 18th chromosome was tripling instead of doubling. That one simple misstep in her DNA gave Luka Trisomy 18. Every cell in her body had three chromosome 18's instead of two.  Down syndrome is Trisomy 21, and supports life with challenges. Babies born with Trisomy 18, rarely live, and usually die within a week.  Most babies die in utero, and mothers end up having to deliver their child stillborn. We were lucky to have had a chance to meet Luka.  People have asked me if we knew Luka had Trisomy 18 before she was born.  We knew nothing.  Every part of the pregnancy was normal.  She had a strong steady heartbeat that Michael could hear by putting his ear on my belly. Our ultrasound at 24 weeks came back as normal, although we question that now.  Her heart was in the centre of her chest, and her lungs were very undeveloped when she was born.  I truly believe that the technician should have seen that on the ultrasound.  Then I think, if we knew, would we have done anything differently? I never got genetic testing, because I was only 35, and it has been known to have many false positives.  I  truly believed that it was my time to have a baby, and the universe was going to provide it for me.  I wonder, why us?  Was it because I have never experienced loss in my life, and it was my turn? Was it because I needed to learn how much strength I actually had? Was it to experience death, which I've feared my whole life? It's a constant guessing game.  I'm coming to terms that I may never know the answers.  I'm grateful that I carried her, met her, held her, put her on my breast, felt her breathe, and watched her leave this earth.  I am grateful that Trisomy 18 is not hereditary and that Michael and I can try again. I look forward to feeling life grow inside me again, and am hopeful that next time the little soul will carry the recipe for life.