wanting a baby

It's Saturday morning, and I'm so glad it's the weekend.  It's sunny and crisp- the perfect fall day.  I can't stop thinking about babies. It seems everyone I know has just had a baby, or is about to.  I love all of my friends, and I am excited for them, but I still can't help thinking that I wish it was me.  I wish I could go back and have that one moment that changed everything. I wish that when they had pulled Luka out of me at my c-section, that she would have come out breathing and crying.  I replay that moment over and over again. I knew something was instantly wrong, even though my midwife had warned me that sometimes c-section babies don't cry right away because they don't get squeezed through the birth canal.  Once they got her breathing her cry was so weak, like a little kitten.  I knew then. Lying there, not seeing her, but hearing her,  I knew that my life was going to change in ways I had never imagined.  I imagine the opposite outcome, and then I have to stop myself because that moment will never happen with Luka. I want a baby.  It's as simple as that.  I want to watch them grow and change and develop.  Yesterday, I saw one of my co workers who was due at the same time as me. She has a beautiful little boy.  It was hard to see him, because he is the same age Luka would be right now.  I know mentally that I still have the possibility of having a healthy child, and I can't wait until we start trying again. But in the meantime, my emotions and the desire to have and hold Luka have taken over.  And I'm going to honour those emotions, until I'm ready to let them go.